I’ve tried to write this down so many times and I never know where to start. I guess last year would be the best place. 

So in April of last year I started dating someone I’ll call F for privacy reasons. My relationship with F was awful, a total dumpster fire!. I was warned repeatedly by people about her and stupidly I didn’t listen. If I knew then what I know now I would have listened. 

When I met F I had been single for pretty much 4 years since coming out of a really bad relationship that lasted 8 years and 11 years living together. I might explain more about that relationship later but for now all I need you to know is it was traumatising. I did have a fling I guess with someone for 9 months after I split with that ex but I was kind of just being used for sex and doing chores, shopping etc in exchange for a place to stay. Realised at the end she’d been seeing other people the whole time. But other than that encounter I stayed single. 

I already knew of F from TIktok and she kind of knew of me too. It wasn’t until she joined our discord that we started to get to know each other though. Initially I was just meant to keep her company in voice call and I wish so bad that I had just left it at that but we both had insomnia at the time and kept ending up the only 2 in voice chat and we spoke a lot about life and stuff, we ended up spending a lot of time with each other. I considered myself very healed from my past by this point and thought I was wiser than before. I should have seen the red flags though. She instantly over shared with me telling me everything about her life and past, all of which was traumatic. This encouraged me to share about myself but I did hold back a lot. She had a girl who thought she was her girlfriend, I’d heard her say it on live. F said she never actually agreed to be her girlfriend so she just blocked her without explanation when she met me, I’m pretty sure they had been arranging to meet up before this. On one of the first few nights we spoke she got another ex on the phone while we were in discord voice call and was winding her up with the fact we were talking.There was so many people that hated her and were trying to doxx me that we ended up doxxing my face just to get the inevitable over with. I became a target as soon as we got together and yes she did tell me she fell for me before she had even seen my face. These are major red flags, I know, I should have walked away then but for some reason I didn’t. I think it’s because she put on a softer side around me but it was all a facade. One thing I should probably tell you is I was quite well liked and fairly well known online when I met F. She was well known too but not liked, I was actually liked and respected. I was also involved with a group of friends she wanted to gain the trust of again following a fall out with them that led to her being horrendously trolled online to the point she self harmed on a tiktok live. 

All F ever did was cause me drama and trouble. Don’t get me wrong she would be so sweet and affectionate but this was just to get me where she wanted. I’m a naturally chill person and it used to annoy her that I wasn’t naturally jealous but a lot of that was because I wasn’t in love with her. She messaged me saying “I will find a way to make you jealous” which I thought was playful at the time but she was being serious. She started flirting with anyone she could, even men when she was meant to be a lesbian. She would also flirt to start arguments between me and friends. I think some of the screenshots of messages she would send me were actually fake. She knew being blocked would make me spiral so she started doing it almost every night. I became a wreck, I had gone from being unbothered and confident to broken. This is when my suicide attempts started. I was stuck in a situation where if I stay it will continue to break me or if I leave she shit will hit the fan. I’d have all my private messages read out on a tiktok live because she would threaten it all the time. She was doing all this knowing my Dad was dying of cancer and I probably wasn’t strong enough to handle the extra stress. I didn’t have to wait to long for her to leave me though, She developed feelings for a friend which was obvious considering she called me by that person's name 3 times in the week before we split up. The weekend she broke up with me we went away for the weekend with said friend and I was ignored or the most part that weekend then it ended in an argument where she shouted at me for half an hour while I sat there and asked her to stop, when I finally lost it and got upset I was the bad person of course. She made up all this bullshit that I started the argument in front of her friends' kids. In reality she started the argument, I even went outside to chill out for a bit to prevent an argument and she felt the need to message me nagging and trying to provoke an argument. After the argument I tried to make peace with her but she just went off at me again. She knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted everyone to think I was crazy. 

She left me at the apartment we rented with someone I met the day before hundreds of miles away from home and wondered why I was upset. I didn’t even want to meet up that weekend. The next morning I sent her one message trying to fix things, she said no and I took the train home. It took 8 hours getting home that day because of train delays, I had been up all night crying and I was a mess. I was exhausted when I got home and had one of the worst low blood sugars I’ve ever had in the night. I’m type 1 diabetic and they went down to 1.5. The stress was getting too much.

I’d like to say it ended here and we went our separate ways but that was not the case. Other than talking to a couple friends I kept relatively quiet about the whole situation but F decided to go into tiktok lives telling everyone how much of an abuser I was and how toxic I was. That I was harassing her even though I actually hadn’t messaged her at all. I messaged her saying it doesn’t have to be like that and I don’t like her talking about me like that in front of hundreds of people but she just messaged back telling me no and to leave it so I said okay. Next thing I’m getting pulled up by 2 different friends saying if I say anything bad about F everyone would back her not me, fuck knows what she said to them about me to make them say this. She continued to say stuff about me in very public spaces while I was silenced. I started drinking a lot. I was going on tiktok live so I didn’t feel so lonely and F would always come in and make me feel like a dick for being on live after having a drink, I was just listening to music and chatting, I wasn’t embarrassing myself or anything. At one point we started talking again after she got herself in some shit on tiktok and I helped her out. but it didn’t last long until we had an argument  She moved in with the friend I mentioned earlier at this point apparently for her safety. I’d had enough and one night after drinking I decided to open up to some friends again, I had to play it carefully though. I couldn’t bad mouth F so I told them about all the issues I was having in my life then told them that I was heartbroken over F still and I did say some stuff about the argument before we split up but nothing bad. I also decided to talk about my suicide attempts and how I still feel like that. Someone decided to record parts of the conversation so it looked like I was blaming F for me wanting to kill myself, something I never said.

I drank a lot the next few days and ended up having more arguments with friends. I think I was a little bit sour that they would believe a person they warned me about over me. I almost took my life again a couple times. I was obviously not okay and people could tell when I was live on tiktok. This is when I decided I should probably take a break from the internet. My friend let me stay with her, I got help for my alcohol abuse and got my lip re-pierced. I spent the next month and a half just on my own painting. I made so much art that month and a half. I was finally okay and for the most part it seemed F had forgotten about me and given up with the hate campaign. I was still watching on tiktok with a fake account and found out F had started going out with the friend she moved in with 3 weeks after we split. I know we were only together 3 months but that’s still very quick to move on after telling someone you loved them every morning and night. I was happy she had moved on though, I felt safer like she wouldn’t be so bothered about me if she had this new partner and family. I finally felt at peace again and I was a lot happier. I hadn’t tried to kill myself in a while and I was back to being my old chill self again. Now all I had to do was work on my confidence again which I’d done before and I needed to rebuild some friendships. 

One night about 3 months from me and F initially splitting up I decided to contact someone I was previously friends with to catch up, I’ll call her friend A and after a bit of a chat and her sending me someones explicit pictures she invited me to go on tiktok live with her to do a few battles. I thought why not, it's been a while and it’s late anyway. I had started doing tiktok lives with my face showing after F and I doxxed my face as I mentioned earlier so I went on with my face on camera. My friend was talking to someone in their comments who was gifting them and making jokes. She came over to my live and gifted me and I was sure I recognised her, this is the moment I met the love of my life. We decided to all go live together and play a drawing game they have on tiktok although I was more interested in talking to the woman that had been in our live before than actually playing the game. I’ll call her P to make things easier. We are chit chatting away and I am just captivated by her. She then starts joking around saying I’m her girlfriend now and we are going to get a goat farm and get married. Goats are one of my favourite animals and I still have no idea how she chose goats not knowing this fact. I thought is she maybe flirting with me a bit but I’m terrible with recognising when people like me so I tried not to think too much about it but I went along with it of course. After chatting for a while we all decided it was time to go and ended the tiktok live. I was left with a smile on my face after this interaction and was thinking about her. I had a look on her tiktok and was instantly attracted to her, She was beautiful!. I thought maybe we’d bump into each other on tiktok from time to time but I thought that would be that. So I was shocked when she messaged me not long later saying sorry if I scared you earlier. It usually takes me ages to feel something for someone, I’m not the sort of person that meets someone and feels instant butterflies, It takes me a while to get to that stage if I do at all but when I read this message I felt a rush through my whole body and had the craziest butterflies I’ve ever had, I felt a bit sick. I still feel like that when I think about it. I responded with No you didn’t scare me at all. I think you are hilarious. We instantly connected and I felt a spark right away, she massaged me saying I really like you and I said it back then gave me her phone number. I couldn’t believe it! How the hell have I managed to pull someone like this and when I was at such a good and healthy point in my life. When I tell you I have never seen eyes as beautiful as hers I mean it with all my heart, it’s not just that her eyes are a beautiful colour, which they are but she also has this sparkle in her eyes that I just love. Everything was perfect about her to me, her smile, her body, her hair, the way she dresses, she’s funny, kind, gentle and she’s a little bit weird like me and the best part was she was just as into me too. She kept making jokes about our farm and me being her girlfriend then she said to me if I keep saying you’re my girlfriend I’m hoping eventually you will be and I said something along the lines of you don’t have to hope because I want to be your girlfriend and thats pretty much how we got together. We became close really quick and we’re inseparable online. P and some other people I used to talk to were using an app called clapper a lot which is a bit like an american version of tiktok but you don’t get banned every five minutes for nothing. You can swear and there is even nudity on there. Back in 2021 I had a couple viral videos on tiktok and that was how I knew a lot of people. P was friends with them and I hadn’t spoken to a lot of them since 2021. Most of them were happy to see me back around on clapper and tiktok but some people I knew weren’t so happy. I was in a troll group who had trolled them and I’ll admit did some really bad things but other members had publicly stated I was not one of the worst and wasn’t even so much a troll just an information finder. I made a lot of apologies and everything seemed to be okay and people seemed happy for me and P. In fact a lot of people didn’t believe it at first because we both like to mess around with people and tell stories so we had to keep telling them it wasn’t a story like the goat farm haha. 

I was the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life at this point. I had got totally rid of my awful ex’s, I had found a girl that I adored and she adored me. I had the perfect relationship and we were both having a lot of fun online. People always wanted to be in our clapper radios and we would try to include everyone in conversation. I guess this is how F heard about us being together and I get a call from her one day asking if it’s true me and P are together. She was shocked and was questioning why P. Me, P and F all knew the same people and were around in the same groups on tiktok so that is how we are all connected and P was well aware that F was my ex and how awful she could be. After a brief conversation F wished us both well and we hung up. I didn’t think too much of it at the time but this was the start. She started coming into our radios and lives after this. 

Everyone could see me and P were head over heels for each other. We didn’t hide it and I think quite a few people were jealous of this. She used to do this cute thing where she would invite me to watch a tiktok live then shout my name in the comments until I let her know I was there, this seemed to really bother a few people so after a while we stopped doing it if they were around in the live. I had people tell me she was love bombing me even though we were both madly in love with each other, she’s just a lot more talkative and open in large groups. We tried not to let this bother us and I worked on being more open in front of people. We would spend hours talking to each other, from when we woke up until when we went to sleep and never run out of things to say and we had such a laugh together. The mistake we made was doing a lot of this in public spaces online. This gave people a chance to find things to pick at especially F. F had been trying to build a friendship with me again and stupidly I thought maybe she’s moved on and it would be okay. I spoke to P about us staying on good terms with F so it didn’t start shit and she was okay with it. F continued to try to build a friendship with me and started calling me pretty much every day often for a few hours. I felt really bad about this because I was with P but I was honest with her about it and that I was worried what would happen if I didn’t just go along with the friendship. After a while I thought maybe F is going to be okay this time, Maybe her new partner has helped her turn a new leaf like everyone is saying. Everything was going really well in all areas still.

There are a few people that are going to become more prevalent in this story. I’m going to call them snake 1, snake 2 and snake 3. They were mostly friends of P’s but I knew them from back in 2021 and from when I was with F. They never seemed to really accept me or like me and I could tell. I was around for when the troll group I was with doxxed them but I had nothing to do with them being doxxed except for giving F access to one of my accounts that had pictures of snake 2 and her family on there. F doxxed pictures of her children and her address on tiktok but I did not tell her to do this and I had no idea why she wanted the info on snake 2 until I saw her doing the tiktok live doxxing her. I explained all this when I first met P and I apologised for having anything to do with it  so I thought it was all okay but I always knew they didn’t like me really. I don’t even think it had anything to do with me being in the troll group, I think they are just bored and jealous in reality. 

It came time that me and P were planning to meet up. She lived near my dad so that was ideal because I had been putting off going to see my Dad before he died because he was abusive when I was younger and it was a lot to process. Seeing P would make it so much better and easier to deal with. I booked a hotel for us but she didn’t manage to make it the first night. I was so worried I was going to get stood up and ended up having a long conversation with F and her partner about this and my dad. I put rose petals and fairy lights all over the bed for when she arrived, which she eventually did. She was everything I had hoped for in real life. I took one look at her when she got out of the car and knew this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We spent the night just cuddling with each other, watching movies and chatting. I fell to sleep in her arms for a while. It was perfect. We both have health problems so it was really nice to not have the pressure to be energetic or do anything other than be me. I felt so safe with her. The next day we went out shopping and it was like we had been together for years. We both headed straight for the first charity shop without asking each other, we are truly like 2 old people. I spent some time seeing my Dad. I stayed with his wife while he was in a hospice and we went to visit him every day. It was really hard and P was really there for me. We spoke every opportunity we had and had late night chats with a couple other friends. It really kept me going. She was my rock. After I had seen my Dad we arranged to meet up again and it was another perfect night. We watched another movie and I fell to sleep in her arms for a while again. She did my eyelashes and almost poked my eye out when I flinched haha and we went for a walk and found a photo booth. I still have the photos up in my room now. We laughed so hard and just had the most amazing time being in each other's company. I was so sad that I had to go home but I had run out of money and it seemed too soon to meet each other's families so we couldn’t stay there. 

I was so exhausted when I got home, I’d been away for 12 days in total with loads of train journeys. I was also kinda sad that I had to leave P and not see her again until god knows when. But life goes on and we went back to life as it was spending hours on the phone and chatting to people online. This seems to be when people got weird about us. F kept being overly nice to me and started calling me the pet name P gave me in public. Let's say my name is lizard, P would call me my little Lizard and F started calling me that. She even titled a clapper radio “where is my little lizard” one morning. She started reminiscing about our relationship a lot and saying things like “ The only reason we didn’t get back together is because neither of us tried” and when I bought P a gift she said “ You never bought me gifts”. I should have known things were getting weird when she started questioning if me and P argue and when I told her no she made out like her and her partner were arguing all the time. One night she split up with her partner and came into mine and P’s clapper radio. F said I’ve done the same to my new partner as I did to you Lizard as if it was something to be proud of. She asked if she could call me and I said okay. She called me for quite a while and the whole time I was just trying to leave so I could go back to spending time with P. F told me her new partner had physically abused her and asked me not to tell anyone. I was suspicious of this because of the things she said about me being an abuser so I told P about what she said and asked her not to tell anyone. A couple days later F went back with her partner. I know now asking me to call her and trying to befriend me was an attempt to drive a wedge between me and P but P was very understanding about it. I think F realised this wasn’t working and changed her tactic. She started making out P wasn’t good for me and was going to break my heart. I never got why she was saying this to me with no reason to, P had done nothing but be supportive and loving.  I remember one time when we were joking around P made a joke about my vagina looking like smashed lasagne and F felt the need to make her feel bad for doing it even though I laughed too as it was clearly a joke and no one would have taken it seriously. F literally told P she couldn’t say it and messaged me complaining about it. This made P feel really bad and she felt she had to message me to apologise but I reassured her that I was not bothered at all and F was being out of hand. F then decided to do a clapper radio and tell everyone I was trying to split her and her partner up which I definitely was not, it was the other way round. I had enough again at this point and decided to do what P had been saying I should do for a while and I blocked F. I explained I wish them the best but I couldn’t handle it right now then blocked her. F was not happy about this and when she realised she did another clapper radio being horrible about me and P. It was about this time I noticed someone I used to be friends with hanging around a lot. He was a young lad and had done a lot of bad stuff but I tried to get people to accept him and see his good side. We were all joking around one day and he starts talking about his penis size, specifically to P which I was not happy about. P knew this and did eventually cut the convo off. This is when this lad who is meant to be my friend starts sending her dick pics in her inbox. P says to him that he’s meant to be my friend and I wouldn’t be happy and he proceeds to borderline harass her. P called me and explained what had happened and said she wanted to troll him a bit because he’s meant to be my friend and he’s also inboxing his dick to other people we know. I didn’t like the idea of this as I knew it would cause a holy shit storm when he found out he was trolled. I also said I think it could be a setup. Unfortunately P decided to go behind my back and troll him anyway. She never sent him pictures of herself but it still hurt knowing she spoke to him like that behind my back. I also didn’t find out through P. I found out because a clapper radio was started which i was called in to and told my girlfriend was cheating on me. I knew he had been trolled because P had already spoke to me so I said send me the picture of her then. F sent me the picture and I said thats not my girlfriend mate and broke out in laughter. This didn’t go down well and the lad started hurling abuse at me and trying to gaslight me calling me delusional. It sort of hit me this had been done behind my back regardless and I broke down. It was like my perfect partner just got ripped from me in one action. I knew it was too good to be true. I fully broke down in front of like a hundred people watching and F was loving it. I begged for them to stop the clapper and we sort it out in private. I was frantically calling P on my other phone but she was sleeping. Someone came up and told F to just come off clapper and privately call me because I was in hysterics. She eventually did when she realised it was making her look bad. The phone call consisted of her trying to wind me up about P and make me say I would split up with her. P finally woke up and called me, she had found out what happened from all the messages she received. I was still in hysterics, I couldn’t believe she had done this to me but not once did it cross my mind to leave her. At the end of the day she didn’t cheat on me. She told me she wanted to troll him and I said no, she just trolled him behind my back. It hurt like hell but we could work through it. 

F was not happy when she found out I wasn’t leaving P. I was still convinced it was all a setup. I had a barrage of messages telling me I’m stupid and she won't be there to pick up the pieces and I said okay if that’s what she wants that’s fine. P was far more important to me anyway. This is where the trolling started. She turned everyone against me because I chose to stand by my girlfriend and stay with her but not forgive the guy that sent the dick pics. Every part of me was picked apart by F and now the people that were supposed to be my friends. They called P a groomer and said I was abusive. I was told to kill myself when F knew my mental health had been bad before. They said stuff about my Dad. F told everyone I was shit in bed and that I smelt bad, really petty stuff. The thing that mattered most to me was mine and P’s relationship, as long as I had her everything was okay. Unfortunately the 3 snakes had seen this as their opportunity to chip away at P to leave me. They told her she should break up with me over it so she kind of tried to but I reassured her it was okay and I wouldn’t hold it against her and I never did. They had been saying a lot more in the background that I didn’t find out until later. 

I knew the 3 snakes didn’t really like me because I could tell they were trying to influence P against me. Just from little things P would say and how she would change how she was with me after talking to them I knew they made her feel bad for spending so much time with me and for how close we were. Eventually they made her be on the phone to them or talking to them in some way all day. We couldn’t even have a single phone call without one of them having a drama that they needed P to be a part of. Unfortunately it did start working after a while and although me and P worked through the stuff she did behind my back they would just not drop it. P was planning on coming to stay with me for a bit while she sorted proper housing out and Snake 1 had to stick her spoon in. Me and P were talking about it and snake 1 goes off about how it’s too soon and I have to understand P is very ill, bitch I’m living with chronic illness too and I was doing what any partner would do and offering her somewhere to stay while she needed it, no one said it was permanent. And it shouldn’t be anyone but mine and P’s decision anyway. We still had people doing clapper radios about us every day, everyone was talking about our personal business and calling us names all day every day. At first we fought back, mainly because the snakes were telling P we had to. This wasn’t really getting us anywhere, P can be quite feisty at times but I do love that side of her a lot however other people don’t always appreciate it as much. The 3 snakes were still whittling away at P and she finally broke one day on the phone and told me everything they had been saying. All of it was bad about me of course. I’m weird, I’m too quiet, she’s too unwell for a relationship. They even tried their best to frame me for doxxing snake 1 which I certainly did not do and had evidence I did not do which I sent to P and luckily she believed me but only just. It became apparent she had made the right choice believing me because snake 1’s story on this changed repeatedly! First I doxxed her address and it turned out her address was never doxxed, then I made edits of her family and they had a screenshot but I disproved that too and their screenshot didn’t exist in the end. Then it was some bullshit about me being a moderator in a doxx bin which was disproved by someone else. The worst part of this is I could feel P pulling away from me. Call me anything you want but just don’t take her away from me. I’ll admit I didn’t react great to P pulling away from me. I could see that she was being manipulated and I worried about her so much because I knew these people would eventually betray her but If I had said they are manipulation you I would have looked like the manipulative one so I didn’t say about that and instead I just got really emotional about her pulling away and this didn’t help at all.

I became so ill from all the stress. It made my health problems so much worse and I was in hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis a couple of times. I also had to go in for surgery on my stomach. P had told everyone we had split up even though we hadn’t at this point but they knew we still spoke. P called me when I was in hospital, she later admitted the 3 snakes were trying to get her to video call me to prove to them I was in hospital, I guess they wanted her to screenshot it or something. Luckily she didn’t do this, we had a really nice chat and she told me everything was going to be okay. One of my favourite things to hear her say. We also found out at this time that my mum’s boyfriend had a very aggressive cancer and was not going to live long and I told P this. That night the trolling got pretty bad. F had been saying all day that I had to unblock her and talk to her by 9pm or everything was going to get worse. I was waiting for surgery and couldn’t so I unblocked her to send her a video showing I was in hospital and couldn’t have a proper conversation with her then I blocked her again. I was watching her clapper radio as she received the message and told everyone. It got me out of the conversation but it didn’t stop them. I had death threats that night from people I thought were my friends and my ex girlfriend.I guess in my absence people were saying stuff to P because the next morning she sent me an angry message and blocked me. I had no idea what was happening, I’d done nothing to warrant this. I remember I was standing outside the hospital having a cigarette with my mum when it happened. I felt like I was going to pass out, I was so ill and stressed and this was the last thing I needed. Deep down I knew it wasn’t her decision, we were fine the night before and this was early the next morning and so out of the blue. The following week is when they really got into both our heads, it was so much easier for them to do it when we weren’t talking to each other. Every day snake 1 would call me up into a clapper radio with F usually and they started telling me things like P had told them she never even loved me, well actually this was screamed at me repeatedly. F told me that it was just like mine and her relationship and P had lied about loving me like she did. I was told that P never actually wanted to meet up with me. One day the said P had messaged them begging them to stop me from harassing her and that she had sent a screenshot of the message I had apparently sent her that morning. I asked them to read the message out and it was a message I had sent months before when she was feeling down, It wasn’t sent that morning and it certainly wasn’t harassment. I was so confused, I asked for the screenshot with the date P sent it but of course this was never given to me. Me and P had been lying to the snakes about being together for a while and she even told them she was meeting someone else to get them off her back and I told them about this because in my brain it felt like P might have played us off of each other, in reality their manipulation was finally working on me. I was basically told the whole relationship was a lie. On top of that F was still making comments about me being anorexic even though I’m not and ripping apart my confidence. P had seen none of this. They were still talking to P in private and they pressured her into giving information about me by telling her I had been online talking about her every day. They had totally turned her against me. F was hell bent on befriending P and having her make out I was an abuser. I think this is because trying to get people to believe it when me and F split up didn’t exactly work. The thing that broke the camel’s back for me though is when they told me P had been sleeping with her ex husband behind my back. I found an account P had not blocked and messaged her saying something like nice one for cheating on me after saying you would never cheat on anyone. have fun fucking balding old men again. Don’t contact me again and a thumbs up. When P saw the message she wrote back clearly as confused as I was. For a bit of context she had previously told me she might have to go back to her old house to sort things out before they sell it but I was 100% sure at that time she wouldn’t cheat on me, after everything that had been happening though I was so confident about that. I told P what they had said about her telling them she was sleeping with her ex husband while we were together and she was so angry at them and it wasn’t what she said to them at all. Even worse she had said this to snake 1 in confidence and she had told F. I think this is where the penny started dropping for P. If I remember right she did pull snake 1 up about this but remained friends with her.  

About a week or so later I was watching a clapper radio on a fake account and F pressured P to get up and talk about me. I can’t remember what P said but it made me out to be the bad person again, I’m sure it was something about being relieved I wasn’t messaging her anymore, in line with the apparent harassment that I didn’t actually do. I don’t think she meant to make it sound like that but it did. I was also really pissed off that she would sit and chat with F after promising me no matter what she never would, throughout all of this she promised that. So I jumped up and I was angry as fuck. Me and P started arguing with each other, I think this was the first and only time I have properly shouted at her. Usually I just get upset. Snake 1 and F are shouting in the background and then F starts being an idiot and singing over us. I presume this was so we couldn’t figure out they had been playing us off of each other. P and I got so irritated with trying to shout over them and P said I’m going to call you privately because we can’t talk with this. This sent Snake 1 mental! She started screaming at P “you will not call her” like the kind of scream you’d do if you just caught you wife fucking your brother or something, She was furious. Thankfully P ignored this and called me anyway. It was really heated at first and a lot of emotions. She actually cried on the phone that day, something she never does. After talking for a while it all clicked into place how badly we had both been manipulated. None of this was our fault. We spoke for hours in the end and by the end of the phone call we had forgiven each other and were more angry at everyone else. 

We decided we would cut most people off after this and we started talking again but just as friends at this point. It was obvious we still loved each other though. I was still around online a little bit but mainly streaming games. Every time I would go live people would still come in to try to troll me though. I blocked them but there is no point really as they just make another account. Not long after snake 1 and snake 2 were caught out doing their snakeyness so everybody hated them now.

 Me and P were growing closer again and I was still falling in love with her more every day. P eventually called me and told me she had fully realised that everyone was wrong. I was never abusive or manipulative and that she really loved me and she hated that they almost took that away from her. She was so genuinely apologetic. She didn’t want to be without me and I was so happy about this. We made an agreement that it was probably best that we still hide that we are together and not to go live or do radios which I struggled with at first but over time I actually began to enjoy it because no one could have a say in our relationship. She said the reason she wanted to do this was because she was scared she was not strong enough to fall for their bullshit again which I understood. Things were amazing again. She bought me a promise ring and promised one day it would be an engagement ring. We were making plans for me to move up with her permanently. We were going to go on holiday with her parents. I had everything I wanted back again and there was no one around who could take it away this time. Months go by and everything is still great. Snake 3 had still been talking to the other 2 snakes but P was staying out of it and quite angry that she would still talk to the people that did that. F had also fucked up by this point and lied about her partner punching her in the face. Someone drove 6 hours to rescue her and it was all a lie.She even admitted it was a lie herself. This meant I didn’t have to deal with her anymore. Life was perfect and I had no worries at all. That was until snake 1 and 2 pulled one of the most pathetic attempts at mass manipulation I’ve seen and led to mine and P’s first argument since we got back together. It started off earlier in the evening when F made a sudden reappearance on live with the girlfriend she had accused of abusing her, they were back together and driving to the house of a friend F had fallen out with who the snakes and F were now trolling. She was acting like she was hard on the drive up there saying she was going to cave her head in etc. F knocks on the door in a not very threatening way and then walks back and gets in the car, speaks to the snakes for a second then ends the live. The person whose house she pulled up at had now started streaming it in discord so me and P decide for me to go into the discord and record it so she can see. We just wanted to see if F got what she deserved after everything she had done. I’m in voice call with everyone watching it and then someone says snake 1 was doing a clapper radio and was hysterical. I’m watching the stream of it when it goes off and I hear “Oi Lizard get your missus to put the stream back up” everyone is shouting at me like what is she playing at and start questioning me. I’m overwhelmed and confused as fuck, I didn’t even realise she was in the server but they didn’t believe this. Turned out we had been typing in 2 different chat channels so I didn’t see her. I tell them I’ll call her so I do but she’s not answering. I feel like a complete dick at this point and everyone is still going at me in the chat. I then get a notification saying stop calling P she’s streaming. I messaged her saying just come off and call me because I knew this wouldn’t go well, it was going to cause more trouble for us. She stopped streaming again and wrote in the chat saying sorry for stopping streaming. She told me she’s not that sort of person and couldn’t carry on because it made her feel bad. I agreed it's best not to get involved. The clapper radio was locked so it was private and I couldn’t get in but luckily someone streamed it in discord that was in there. Snake 1 proceeded to start apparently taking tablets to kill herself and naming a different person whose fault it was for her killing herself, one of them being snake 2. It was all very dramatic and was obviously an attempt to make people feel sorry for them and forgive them. The clapper radio ends after a dramatic exchange between snake 1 and 2. I’m still sat in the discord vc listening to what people are saying about it all and I hear someone say snake 2 is now doing a clapper radio and P is talking to her being nice. I’m getting asked why as she’s had literally just told them she doesn’t talk to the snakes anymore. I tried calling her but she cancelled my call so I messaged her asking what the hell she is doing. Why is she being nice to the people that did so wrong to us. I was so upset and felt so betrayed. We spoke but she really couldn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. I was saying that when I tried to kill myself they stopped her even talking to me but she wont give them the same energy now after what the’ve done and she thought I was heartless because I didn’t care what happened to snake 1. The next day the clips of the clapper radio were uploaded to tiktok. P had rewatched it back and I guess she had heard other peoples opinions on it which were the same as mine because she now saw it for what it was. She told me that she only really wanted to see what the gossip was anyway and any interactions she had with her are just for that. I was really relieved as if she hadn’t she would have been manipulated into not talking to me again. We moved past this and some time went on and we were getting back to normal. Snake 3 still wanted P to be friends with the other snakes and was even sympathetic with F at one point which really pissed P off and rightfully so. I was confident P had seen the snakes true colours and our relationship was secure. We were having a lot of fun together just watching feel good tiktok lives and being ourselves. P did do something that really hurt me one day though. We had arranged to do needle felting kits together on video call. She had bought us both a panda needle felting kit and I was so happy about this. It’s hard to find little date ideas like that what work for both of you when you are long distance. I was also happy she wanted to video call because we rarely did that and I knew she was trying to show me she was putting in effort to do something for me. The day came we were meant to do the needle felting together so I messaged her, I waited hours but no response then I fell to sleep. I woke up to a message saying start yours now and I’ll call you in a bit which confused me but I just shrugged it off and waited for her to call me. She calls me hours after the time we had arranged to do the needle felting and tells me she’s been on the phone to snake 1 and 2 and she did the needle felting while on the phone to them, I tried not to be too upset about it but inside I was. I think she could tell and said she would order another one to do with me because she messed that one up anyway. I think I sort of went a bit quiet at this point to protect myself. We still spoke but I could feel my instinct trying to make me prepare for the worst. 

One night P wasn’t messaging me back so I asked if everything was okay, she said she was just doing something. It was either really late that night or the day she called me and said the reason she was busy was because she had spoken to snake 2. Snake 2 had told her if all of this doesn’t stop she was going to hang herself on a tiktok live. This was clearly another attempt to manipulate P. She wanted her on her side again because everyone hated her and she knows P will stick up for what she thinks is right, meaning she would have stuck up for them against people. P knew I wouldn’t be happy about this. I wasn’t holding back this time and told her it was manipulation. I knew for certain she had snake 1 over at her house at the time because I had heard them say it somewhere earlier in the day. I was so upset P would do this and fall for it again. I thought she was stronger than that now, I thought we were stronger than that because so many times she had told me we were. She promised it would never happen again and that I needed to understand that they were the internet and I was her real life. We had an awful argument and she totally pulled back from me saying maybe we shouldn’t move in together and we shouldn’t talk about getting engaged anymore because I’m taking things too literally but she sent me the link to the engagement ring she wanted. How was I not meant to take it literally?. I told her that my only boundary is not being put in that position again because of what it did to me and I didn’t know if I could stay knowing that was going to happen at some point. I think she was just reacting out of a place of fear though and I can understand and sympathise with that. The way I reacted was because I was scared of being put in the same place I was before and she was scared of being controlled. We tried to work it out but she told me she just wanted to be friends. This broke me, I had lost her because of the same people again. I got really ill again and ended up in hospital a lot. It was really scary and I had started getting really bad nerve damage. I was really scared of going into a coma from my diabetes. I’m terrified of being in a coma, even before I had diabetes I was terrified of it. I messaged P one time when the ambulance was taking a particularly long time saying if anything happened I wanted her to know I loved her and she reassured me I’d be okay but I knew it was getting bad. Not just my physical health but my mental health too and they just made each other worse. 

It is really lonely spending a lot of time in hospital, I spent a lot of time in hospital especially as a child. I’ve never had the heart to ask my mum why but for some reason she never stayed with me like the other parents did with their kids. One place I was in had rooms for parents but when I asked her to stay she wouldn’t. I was having horrible treatments done as a child with not much support and no one to comfort me when I needed it. We also weren’t the sort of family to have cuddles or say I love you when I was younger and that was difficult for me. I’m diagnosed with PTSD and part of that is from how I was treated in hospitals, I felt like I had no autonomy over what happened to my body as I was too young to say no and my mum never stuck up for me when I had begged her to. My mum has quite recently apologised for not sticking up for me how she should have. When I’m in hospital now as an adult I feel all that loneliness again. 

As I said earlier I’m terrified of going into a coma and hate the thought of what that means. The longer you are in the coma the more degrading it becomes and eventually your brain just turns to liquid. It would not only be degrading for me but even if my family thought it was for the best I know watching someone die like that if they didn’t survive would be so traumatic and if I didn’t die I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a vegetative state for the rest of my life and have to have the people close to me care for me 24/7. This was weighing heavy on me and I didn’t know what to do. I thought about it and decided if it was to happen again I would request not to be resuscitated. Communication between me and P had been a bit strained and I didn’t want to bother her with my bullshit again so I messaged her just saying no matter what happens I want her to remember I will always love her with all my heart. Thank you for everything and take care of herself. I got no reply, which I expected to be honest. Although I didn’t want to bother her with my bullshit, I also didn’t want her to think I just didn’t want to speak to her again. I promised I’d never leave her alone no matter what and I didn’t want her to think I broke that promise so really late at night/morning. I started a clapper radio. I was emotional and ill as fuck, I could barely walk or talk properly but I needed to do this because I was dead set on dying. I thought only a couple people would come in and just listen to the fresh gossip then one day when someone asks if people have heard anything of me they’ll say last time I saw her she said blah blah blah and that way it would get back round to P and she wouldn’t have to wonder why I just ghosted her like that. To my surprise quite a lot of people came in and 2 people I didn’t expect came up to talk to me. They had previously trolled me but reassured me they were here to be nice so I let them talk to me about it. The people commenting were really nice too. Of course everyone tried to discourage me. P came in and heard what I was saying. She read my message and said “I don't get it” then followed it up with another message saying “wait is this you saying goodbye to me? Do you not want to talk to me anymore?”. I told her this isn’t me saying goodbye to her, it's basically me saying goodbye to everything and explained a bit better.She also asked me to end the live because I shouldn’t trust the people that trolled me even if they used to be my friends so I did end the live. She was upset that I didn’t tell her first and said it felt like a repeat of the time I self harmed. I reassured her that I only didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to be a burden on her and I didn’t want to bother her. I think she could see I wasn’t in a great frame of mind and she was really supportive that night, she told me I was going to be okay and told me that it was only a temporary break between us so we could have the future we wanted together after we had both sorted the things we had going on in our life out. This made me happy at the time but I didn’t realise in the long run how this might affect me. We started getting closer again even if we weren’t officially together it felt like we were. We still told each other I love you and were basically acting as if we were together after some time and planning for the future again but I still promised to not pressure her into making it official. The only problem I had was this fear of it not being official though and I tried my hardest to push it down but it kept coming up. I had someone do this to me for 9 months before and I found out at the end she had been seeing other people the whole time and told me I had a few hours to get my stuff out of her house because her ex was coming home. I thought the best thing to do would be to speak to P about my fears but she took this as me trying to push her into us getting back together properly and it ended in a bit of an argument but nothing too bad. Things were still good but I could tell snake 3 was still very jealous of me and P. Every time we were on the phone she would have some reason why P needed to call her right now and she would make P feel bad if she didn’t. She would always ask P if she had spoken to me, like every day. One night P wasn’t even on the phone to me and snake 3 was messaging asking her who she was talking to, why she wasn’t calling her, was she on the phone to Lizard. Snake 3 had already told P that if she got back with me she would walk away from her completely so we were only hiding our relationship for snake 3’s benefit at this point. P couldn’t understand why I didn’t like snake 3 but she was just as bad as the rest for manipulating and controlling P as the rest were. When I went into that discord server snake 3 asked P to get me to take screenshots from the server and send them over. Thing is Snake 3 was in the server, she made up some bullshit about them being able to see who screenshots but I saw through this. I knew she was trying to set me up and I even made a comment about how the screenshots will probably end up on tiktok but she reassured me that was not the case. I’m not a fool though and I saw the opportunity to prove my point so I just screenshotted a text channel they had that was an anonymous confession channel so no one can be linked to the posts. I also screenshotted them on my laptop and cropped them all differently so I would know if they were the screenshots I took. A few hours later I’m scrolling through tiktok and I see the screenshots. I knew it! She was trying to set me up and make it look like I was a mole in the Discord server causing all the drama to start again. I messaged P about it and asked why she would do this knowing she could cause so much trouble for us. P was asleep so didn’t message back, I was so anxious for hours until she did. I didn’t know how she was going to react. Would she back me or snake 3?. Eventually she messaged me back and I was relieved to find she saw my side of it. The next day she called me and said she had blocked snake 3. I feel kind of bad for it but I was so relieved. Maybe now we could actually move on with our lives.

Life was normal again for a while. I thought we were back on track as we were acting like we were together again. One night P and I were watching a tiktok live together and I saw snake 3 say hello to her. Me and P had been chatting all night as usual and then suddenly she stopped messaging so much.  P didn’t reply to her in the tiktok live but I knew this would be the start of her worming her way back in. P called me a couple of days later and told me she and snake 3 had made up again. I didn’t say much about it, I was too scared to lose her. Also I had been told my Dad only had a week or so to live now so we were talking about that more. After this the communication between me and P got less and less. It was breaking my heart that this was happening again after we had been doing so well again and when I really needed her to distract me from what was going on with my Dad. I wasn’t even just upset. It felt like I had this dark cloud around me. I could eat and I was just not functioning at all. Every message she sent me now was really dry and few and far between. No more I love you’s not even asking how I was doing with everything going on. 

I was sat with my mum when she got the call from my sister saying my dad had passed. My Mum and Dad split when I was a kid, we moved to Devon and he moved to Cambridge. I was meant to go back up to Cambridge to see him before he passed but I was too poorly and I wouldn’t be able to meet P for some rest and recuperation afterwards this time. I messaged P to tell her we just got the call. She was the only person I wanted to talk to. I missed her making me laugh and singing to me when I was having a bad day, I needed that right now. I thought maybe she would call me, She would call anyone else going through this. But all I got back was a message saying I’m so sorry. I was gutted! I just messaged back saying it is what it is I suppose. She sent a message and asked how I was doing the next day but when I responded she never messaged back. I felt really alone. I was meant to be grieving but I’m trying to support my mum who is about to lose her partner to cancer whilst dealing with what was going on with me and P. I had no one to talk to. One day I woke up having low blood sugars and vomiting really badly. That was enough for me and instead of treating my low sugar I took more insulin. My mum was round my house and made me eat an orange lolly ice but I instantly threw up anyway. My mum told me to sleep, I’m guessing she didn't know how bad that advice was considering my sugars tend to drop when I’m sleeping anyway. I took some more insulin and went to sleep hoping this would be the last time I closed my eyes. I fell to sleep thinking of the memories of me and P. Imagining all the things we would have done if things had been different. I’ve never had that feeling of grieving a life you’ll never have like I do with P. I never wanted a life with anyone but P and now I’d seen how happy I could be. Life felt really bleak. 

As I’m sure you’ll guess this attempt didn’t work. Unfortunately I woke up a few hours later. I was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. My heart was beating so hard and fast I could hear it. I was definitely close to something, maybe a coma or heart attack but not death just yet. It was at this point my mum came in and decided she should call an ambulance. She called them, and I took more insulin. The ambulance crew arrived and agreed that my sugars had been so low I needed hospital treatment. The transported me in the ambulance to the hospital but there was no room in the actual hospital so I had to sit outside in the ambulance and be treated. They gave me glucose shots and tea with sugar but my sugars still didn’t go up much. I was in a bad mental state. I always feel like I’m wasting services when I end up in hospital and It’s my own fault but I suppose some would argue that If I am trying to end my life I do need the services. I felt so bad I told them about my mental state. I told them everything that had happened and that my mental health was affecting my diabetes. They put in some sort of welfare thing and tried to escalate me getting help. I just needed to hear everything was going to be okay from the person I had trusted most and told everything to. I messaged saying I was in hospital and she did message back but it was still really dry. Later I messaged asking if we were okay and she messages back saying “OF course we are. We are friends”. Why did she have to add the we are friends at the end? I was aware we aren’t fully back together yet but after the way we had been lately I thought we were more than friends. It felt soul destroying, I had this done to me before and she knew about that. I was always so mindful to try not to trigger her past all the time. I messaged her back saying Oh I thought we were more than friends and her response was well yeah we are friends but more than friends. I didn’t even want this to be the topic of conversation, by are we okay I meant why have you gone cold on me again. I don’t know about you but I don’t know about you but I don’t think anyone would want to be not quite wanted like that. I wanted to be loved, not a friend to be returned to as and when she wanted to be loved. It makes you doubt your worth. We didn’t have an argument as such but I know it didn’t go as I had hoped. I just wanted to talk to her about how I was feeling, just as a friend. She took it as me trying to force her into getting back with me sooner. She told me to try to sleep and we’d talk tomorrow. 

A couple hours later she messaged me saying “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you deserve”. What she doesn’t realise is she’s everything I wanted and more. It’s the snakes and my ex triggering our wounds from the past that is putting us in this position. I suppose that's what leads us to this point.

There is a couple things I have left out of this. I had a friend, or what I thought was a friend. I was temporarily blind for a week and when I came back she was on tiktok live with F reading out our whatsapp messages. I was furious! She knew the only thing that would make me drop someone was if they spoke to the snakes or F and she had been talking to all of them. I told her I was pissed off and that I was blocking her. SInce then she has tried incessantly to contact me. I blocked her on everything the other day after her and F were talking badly about me and P on tiktok live again. I’m an abuser, conniving, manipulative and sneaky. Anyone who knows me well knows this is the opposite to the truth. I’ve done some shitty things but I’ve never been a snake or manipulative. I’ve done pretty shitty things for people I cared about but if you look back at my online footsteps I never did anything for myself it was always for someone else. I doxxed, I argued, I found information but it was all to protect and stand up for other people. There’s a lot more to my story but I feel I don’t have the time to write it all down. Every day is like a constant sand timer, each day it turns over until one day my sand will run out and lay dormant again forever. Maybe today, Maybe tomorrow. 

My and P had a pretty good week. I got wasted on vodka and coke for the first time in a long time on Friday following F and my old friend talking about us. I was going to go wild on tiktok about it but P spoke to me and messaged saying if I wait until Monday she would do it with me. This meant the world to me. Even not together she was willing to have my back. Following a chat we had last week on the phone where she told me she was pulling away from snake 3 and how much she hated the other snakes and F.  My girlfriend or not, this made me feel so relieved. Even in my absence I don’t want her being used and manipulated, I’ll do anything to protect her from that. 

So I said P offered to confront them with me on monday. She offered, I didn’t ask and the messages were accompanied by three kisses on each message. Three messages, 9 kisses total. 3 is the magic number lol. 

Saturday came, I had a come down from the vodka and cocaine. I cried most of the day.

Sunday fear set in. I wondered if I was being set up but then me and P had an amazing conversation and I felt so close to her that night.

Monday is today. I message asking if we can still confront them. No response.

It’s 21:15 on a Monday. I’m high on coke and vodka again. I messaged P a picture of my niece and her new chameleon. I received one dry response. I guess I was stupid to think someone would actually be there for me, no matter how much they love me. Love is not enough. I’m about to call them out myself. Then tonight I’ll do it and they will all be brought down with me. 

Promise me you’ll spread this story around. Don’t let me die in vain.

Take care of yourselves.